For the most part I feel like I'm pretty terrible at being an adult. As a kid all I wanted to be was older but I never really figured out how to do it. I still sometimes ignore my medical bills (mostly because I can't pay them). I don't even open them. Two days ago at 9:30pm I realized I hadn't eaten anything but coffee and my fridge was empty yet I had made the time to buy food for a homeless woman I saw on the street. This year I decided to focus more on taking better care of myself as opposed to always putting others first. I went drive by grocery shopping, running into Whole Foods 20 minutes before they closed and grabbing spinach, brussels sprouts, tempeh bacon, broccolini and no cookies. Done.
I've stuck to my 10,000 steps a day and yesterday overachieved taking my fitbit off at midnight to fall into bed after gathering 12,000 steps. I took a long walk fueled by a book on audible and leftover anxiety from my day.
I had a brief but intense connection with the astrologer I hired at the Brunch Club Hearts of Gold party. The night was really busy for me so I asked her if she could remember the message she had for me in more detail. This is what she told me:
· The ‘universe’ focused on your partnerships both business and romantic. For romantic there was an indicator of lots of nurturing and the possibility of a partner with a child or one who took one look at you and said to himself “here is the mother of my future child.”
· There was simultaneously an indicator that (even though you are young) many sense and feel your mothering and nurturance, so food and caring for others makes a lot of sense for your initial and current philanthropic focus.
I've always been maternal. I'm the oldest, I think that helps. I have a pretty great rapport with kids. I think it's because I have a good combo of treating them like full grown humans, which they appreciate, and intuitively knowing what they need. My niece and nephew, at 2 and 4, are my favorite people. Kids challenge me in ways others rarely do. They make me get off my ass, play, feel like a kid. Smile and laugh when sometimes I forget to. See the world with big eyes. They help teach me patience, which is a huge struggle for me. And they're cute as hell. They love like they've never had their heart broken because they haven't yet. If only we could all love that way. But I've never pined for children of my own. My mom told me that once I met the man I was meant to be with I would love him so much I would want to have his children. I think that's possible, but if that's the case I definitely haven't dated him yet. In college I used to have nightmares about my current boyfriend impregnating me. He was in med school already and on the family track. I'd dream I was pregnant on a submarine and give birth to a disgusting school of fish.
I know the thought of dating someone with a kid is a big turn off for most of my friends. They want to "start fresh." But if I fell in love with someone with a child I think I would take on that role. I think I could fall in love with that kid too. That's what happened with my brother and I and our dad. He wasn't looking for a woman with kids but he fell in love with my mom, and she had us. So I went from hating him to calling him Jim to calling him Daddy Jim to calling him Daddy and once I outgrew that, Dad. He's treated me like a father from the get go and I absolutely see him and only him as my dad. He saved all three of our lives.
So bring it on, universe. Bring it all on. I'm ready to step into my greatness, come what may.