Monday, January 19, 2015

I Woke Up Like This

I woke up at 7 to Derby belting out a shrill whine that let me know she wasn't going to stop until I got myself out of bed and fed her. I'm tired of waking up that way. It can't be good for me. She's been driving me crazy lately. It's been almost 8 years we've spent together and she's lived with me all over the US. But lately all she does is whine, and when I take her to the park to get her energy out she just barks. Am I a bad person because I sort of hate my dog right now?

I woke up so damp by hair was curly. Up until a month ago I had never sweat the bed in my life, now it's a thing. I wake up, I'm damp, my hair is wild and half curly (and not in the good way), Derby is whining at me and the construction noise is 20 floors below but somehow sounds like it's inside my ear drum. Morning meditation can usually erase the shitty way I wake up, but what if I could wake up peacefully, to a sleeping little dog curled into a ball at the foot of the bed, and I wasn't soaking wet... that would definitely be better.

I woke up proud of myself for not eating that pizza in bed when I got home like I wanted to, but as soon as I looked in the mirror I knew that wasn't enough. The chubby skin rounding my face out looked back at me and I was caught face to face with someone I didn't want to deal with. I feel so gross lately I want to be covered head to toe with clothes so no one can see. And more than anything I miss my practice. I miss the feeling of my body stretching deeper into a pose, releasing any tension. I miss taking time out to focus only on my breath and balance. Maybe I should go to Vipassana, except oh wait I think that might kill me. If I'm going to be silent for 10 days I need to be allowed to read and write. I know that's missing the point, but the point for me to is to get things in my overactive mind out of there and to fill it at times with the beautiful words of someone else.

It's still early and I don't want to start my day this irritated, so I'll do one of my favorite little tricks that working from home allows and go back to sleep for a half hour. When I wake up Derby will be sleeping in a little ball and hopefully I won't be sweaty and maybe I'll even get a respite and the construction guys will be breaking for tea. Alright here we go, take 2.

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