Getting Here/A Baby Parisian

I am here. Deep breath. The weeks leading up to my departure from San Diego were full of stress - I had no idea how I was going to get everything done. Up to the day I left I was working on a book for a freelance client while I waited for my ride to the airport. It was supposed to be completed the week before, per my meticulously laid out schedule, but as is life, it wasn't done. The client kept changing things...and though I had asked for my pay check in advance it didn't come. So there I was in my condo, working on the book, flight in a couple of hours, having stayed up til 3am packing, paying over $200 extra for 2 bags instead of 1 (which frankly I couldn't afford), no pay check for the last month of work, my beloved Derby Blue throwing up in anticipation of my leaving (she knows when she sees the suitcases), eyes watering and nose running with allergies in the sweltering San Diego heat...and after weeks of holding it together I just started to cry. My phone was ringing and dinging...this was the capstone of my stress. And just as I started to really get my ugly cry on, my parents arrived. I was fine with having my mom see me like this, but my dad...things have been tense between us since I decided to leave the US. He doesn't approve. He was the last person I wanted to freak out in front of. "It's my allergies..." I trailed off as they stood back uncomfortably looking at me. "I'm fine! Let's go." I missed my first flight and we had to rush to drive to LAX, in traffic, while I was on the phone with AT&T and T-Mobile trying to sort out my international plan, to catch my second. There was no lack of stress on my departure day. 

As soon as I stepped onto the plane and realized they didn't have wifi (so I couldn't work, which I'd planned on) a sense of calm washed over me. I had 10 hours in which I literally couldn't do anything. I couldn't run errands or send emails or be on the phone or work on the book or look for jobs. So I popped a xan and slept the sleep of the dead. When I woke up my seat mate, Shannon, a filmmaker from LA on a trip to Paris to scout locations for his new film, was laughing at me. 

"What?" I asked.

"You really slept. There was a lot of turbulence and you just slept right through it. You must have needed that."

I nodded and smiled and let my eyes close again. 

statue at Palais Garnier, Opera house where rich men had a
backstage pass, meaning they could go backstage to choose a
girl for the night (the dancers were also prostitutes)

I've been in Paris 5 days and already everything is different. I keep getting asked why I'm here. To be honest with you all, I came on somewhat of a whim. I needed a change. I'm not here for a job or to follow a man (the top two guesses). I'm here for me. Because I wanted to come, so here I am. People laud my bravery but honestly I'm just as scared as everyone else. "I wish I could do what you're doing" is something I've gotten a lot. But anyone can...I literally booked a flight (a really cheap one, thanks Norwegian Air) spending a couple dollars short of every penny I had in my account) and figured out the rest after/am still figuring it out. I'm in Paris because I want to be, and I said yes to the great unknown and to change, newness, possibility. 

the walk up to the Sacre-Coeur, Montmartre 

The first two days I mostly slept. The 9 hour time difference and jet lag is a bear. Luckily my Airbnb is lovely (1. Is it luck? I spent probably 24 hours in total looking for the best possible rental for my budget, reading reviews, emailing, etc. 2. Sign up for Airbnb with my link and we both get $35 off - yay!) and I feel comfortable here. It was worth it for me to spend a little more to get a place in the city I could actually physically turn around in - Paris apartments are known for being comically tiny and it is no joke, they really are. Most of them (in my budget) are former servants quarters, some with shared bathrooms in the hall and one window, maybe. As I'm not twentysomething anymore and over the hostel/backpacking phase of my life (I promise it happened, check out my previous shared blog Barnstormers), this would not do. My place isn't luxurious, but it's perfect. 24 whole hours well spent (100 emoji). 

a house on the hill in Montmartre, across from the cemetery

my first Parisienne purchase, this hat

And then I did stuff! I took a free tour of Paris from a link I happened upon when I fell down an internet hole researching. Check it out and if you do it too (I recommend!) request Elodie. She was a wealth of knowledge and a 5th generation Parisienne (actually born and raised in Paris, not the suburbs), a rarity. I stood below the Eiffel Tower at night, in the rain, and watched it sparkle (which it does every hour, on the hour). I stood on a bridge over the Seine and let the wind blow my newly short hair. I've had several conversations with shopkeepers in full French (100 emoji again!), I've eaten a lot of cheese and (hopefully) walked it off. 

I'm really interested in learning about the culture of Paris, the history of why things are the way they are, anthropologically how people relate to each other and the city. It's fascinating to me. I hope to be as fluent as possible in French by December for a job I'm hoping to get that I'm pretty sure was made for me. I'd like to visit as many French villages as I can - as everyone in Paris says, you have Paris and then you have the rest of France - take lots of photos and just generally soak in the life. 

I already feel freer and more able to be myself. No one knows me here and no one expects anything from me. There's something so liberating about that. Yesterday someone asked me what I was doing. "I'm going to walk around Montmartre (my neighborhood for the month) and discover somewhere wonderful to eat." I said. "Great! Can I join you?" someone asked me. And I actually felt like it was ok to answer my truth, which was "No thank you. I prefer to be on my own today." It was liberating. And so I walked around all day alone, getting lost and found again. I try to do touristy things on my own because no one French wants to do them with me and it gives me a chance to geek out on the beauty of the sites, overhear accents and conversations and stop a lot to take photographs. 

Yesterday I also had my first croissant, which is kind of insane based on how much I love them, but it took that long. It was nearly 2pm and the first thing I had eaten all day. I went into a pattiserie and ordered (see my tip below) and walked outside, holding the hot magic. I started to continue onto my destination but decided instead to embrace the culture by stopping to enjoy my food versus eating it on the go. I found a bench, sat down and unwrapped my warm present. I peeled a piece off and slowly let it melt in my mouth. Just then I noticed an old man walking, incredibly slowly, near me. One of his shoes was broken and I realized his slow roll was due to this shoe he was trying to keep on. He had only a thin old cardigan, stained, that he was buttoning up against the cold. He had a grey white beard and a worn face. His light blue grey eyes stared straight ahead as he walked on and I could see him shiver. I took my headphones out. "Monsier" I said. He didn't turn. "Pardon!" I said louder. He turned to me and I peeled the croissant in half and said in English "Would you like to share my croissant?" He stared at me for a moment, skeptical like a child analyzing a stranger. I shook my head yes and held out the half to him. He gave a weak smile, still skeptical, and stretched his hand out to meet mine, so slowly that I was able to study every wrinkle on his palm. His hand shook slightly and he finally met mine, trepidatious that I'd pull back. He took it and I let go. He smiled weakly and turned away from me to eat it hungrily before he kept on walking. When he finished he nodded in thanks as he faded away down the street. I ate the rest and it tasted so much better to be shared. I was full. I was grateful. I stood up and turned around to see my bench was in front of Cafe Hope and I smiled to myself and felt in unison with the entire universe.  

Sacre-Coeur (Sacred Heart) sits atop a hill. Not originally planned as a church, this structure has centuries of interesting history

My Paris Tips (so far):

1. When going to tourist spots buy food in a less touristy area first. This will save you money, as touristy areas have even higher prices, stress of trying to get a table at the one spot across from whatever monument you're visiting, and the food will likely be better. Bring your food and eat instead in a park, on the steps of a church, the bank of the Seine, etc. Depending on your time limits and budget, get either a sandwich or pastry from a cafe or buy your own baguette, cheese, fruit and wine (you can drink in public, yay) and make a picnic once you get to the spot. If you have a little more to spend (it will be about the same as a restaurant) definitely go for a custom Paris picnic by this awesome local team who partner with the best in French food and deliver wherever you're going to be. Blanket included! *I have not done this yet, but I hope to. **Someone please do this as a surprise for your lover! 
2. Get a free tour of Paris (link above). 
3. Unless you're vegan, be sure to order a "croissant beurre" which is made with butter instead of margarine/vegetable fat, which is often made from frozen dough. You shouldn't have to eat anything frozen ever, let alone a delectable French pastry. It should be labeled as such, but if not you can tell by the shape. A croissant beurre is straighter, versus having an actual crescent shape. 

Love locks on the Seine, where lovers come from around the world to lock their names in a declaration of their undying love and throw the key in the river.

Fun fact: After the weight of the locks literally made the side of the bridge collapse into the water, it's now forbidden to put a lock on the rail. Tourists still do it. 

100 Days of Gratitude - DAY 100

It is day 100. I think when I started this project, 100 days ago, I was sitting right here on the far left corner of my bed typing on this laptop. What has changed? Well, the color of my room, for one. It used to be pink and now it's purple. Most notably my body has healed. I went from barely being able to move without pain to an acrobatic yoga class last week. I still don't have a "job", but I am doing things each day that I feel good about. Brunch Club was born and with the help of my amazing community I have been able to positively impact lives. I have made some really great new friends and my circle has expanded. I have started to facilitate a women's circle in my home and it's been wonderful. I have gone through this journey with my great aunt Edie, who has also done 100 days of gratitude. I have met one of my heroes, Gabrielle Bernstein. I have grown closer to my niece. I have forgiven and let go of some people. I have cried of a broken heart. I have been euphoric in joy over love. I have been sick, healthy, happy, sad, and everything in between. I have lived 100 days of life and in each one found at least 10 things to be grateful for. And I'm grateful to you all for taking this journey with me. Thank you.

photo cred

I am grateful...

1. That I kept the commitment to myself to complete this 100 days of recording my gratitude.
2. To each person that has come into my life during this time, like Adam, who came over tonight with medicine because he knew I was feeling sick, and took me to Whole Foods to get groceries because he knew I had nothing in the house. Like Viviana and Lisa who I didn't know until a couple months ago and now bring so much love into my life.
3. For Derby Blue, who probably got the most shout outs on all these lists. Who has been a loyal and loving furry friend to me for 7.5 years. 
4. To my inner guide, my higher power, the spirit guiding me constantly. 
5. For friends who have continued to be a source of joy, love, and support in my life. For Aliah, who I am so grateful to be able to grow with along our respective paths even though we are so far apart. For Kellie, who has been an awesome companion to live with and learn with. 
6. For the vast knowledge held by the universe and the access to it. For all the books and articles I've read and the information I have learned, day after day. That because of this and constant new experiences I am able to learn and expand my mind every day.
7. For the love and support of my family, and connections I've been able to create again, like with my cousin who I hadn't seen in years. For his sobriety and his doing so well. For each moment I get to spend with my niece and nephew. For hugs from my mom and smiles from my dad. 
8. For Brunch Club, everyone involved in it and their generosity with time, money, and hearts. For everything it has done for each person involved in any way and for everyone willing to help. 
9. For Jamie. In loving him I have learned about forgiveness, and letting go, and what I really want in a partner. For the way I feel when he looks at me. 
10. For love. Whether I feel it from Earl, the homeless guy who sleeps by the bank near my house, or in long loving hugs from Kellie or Jamie or in Adam coming over to bring me medicine, I feel love in all the ways it is offered and there is nothing more warming, more beautiful, or that gives me more life than love. For that and everyone who brings it I am eternally grateful.   

100 Days of Gratitude - Day 84

I am grateful...

1. That somehow I got out of bed even though I was frozen when I woke up. I forced myself to get up and walk through the frigid forest into the bathroom to take a shower. 
2. That I ran through the forest in a towel on the way back to my cabin even though it was cold; I kept a smile on my face and said good morning to each person I came across who was looking at me like a crazy person.
3. For a really yummy breakfast of organic oatmeal and tea that warmed me right up. 
4. For a half day with my guru, Gabby. What a pleasure.
5. For bikini Kundalini. It was hard as hell and my body wanted to shut down, but I survived. 
6. That my guru was so touched by the energy and love we all brought that she cried while saying goodbye to us.
7. For a healing circle that gave me an opportunity to send light to my loved ones.
8. For the best falafels I've ever had.
9. That something I saw in a meditation yesterday actually made sense today when Aliah read my tarot cards.
10. That I am able to spend the day and night with my beautiful and amazing best friend!
11. For my dad, who has given me anything and everything I have ever thought to need from a father. 

photo cred

100 Days of Gratitude - Day 81

I am grateful...

1. That Kellie drove me to the airport and saw me off with love!
2. To the awesome woman who sold me a breakfast sandwich, had great eye makeup, and told me a trick about water at the airport. 
3. That when I was having a moment of feeling low I looked to a really loving note from a friend and felt warmth.
4. That I was able to sleep for an hour on the airplane, which is rare.
5. For window seats and good plane neighbors. 
6. That Ryan opened his home to me and is being "nicer than I am to most people" to me.
7. For Gabrielle Bernstein's book Spirit Junkie, which kept me company and kept me centered.
8. To be back in New York City.
9. To eat dinner at 9:30 outside and watch the city go by in all its dramatic flair. 
10. For an amazing playlist and a makeshift solo flow on Ryan's floor.