I am lucky. I have been in love. Real, beautiful, deep, feels-so-good-it-hurts kind of love. I fell in love for the first time when I was 15. What does it feel like? Almost every song, poem, book and movie is an attempt to explain this, in one way or another, so I don't know what I can add except for the way it feels to me. For me it's a combination of physical and mental stimulation unlike any other. There's a reason lovesick is a word. It's the feeling people try to replicate by taking drugs. An article in Women's Health says "Falling in love activates about 12 regions in your brain, according to a study published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine...you can know you're in love within a fifth of a second." It also affects your hormone levels (releasing oxytocin), blood pressure, heart rate, bone health, sleep and can even make food taste differently (according to a study by the American Psychology Association).
For me it feels like everything is right. In alignment. In flow. Someone fully understands you in all your weirdness, and what's more, they adore you. And you adore them. Everything they do is either cute, sexy, amazing or inspiring. The way their mouth moves when they speak. Have you ever noticed anyone else's mouth? No, because who cares about everyone else, this person's mouth, your beloved, has the best mouth in the universe. The way you feel when they look at you from across the room and a magnetic pull brings you together. You miss them even when they're sitting right next to you. You ache for their warm touch on your arm. You want to tell them everything that happens. It's like you've been mute your whole life and then they came over to you and with a kiss you were awakened to the beauty of life. It's like the first day of spring after a long winter. You were managing fine without them, but now everything is in color. Everything is beautiful and someone is in love with you and you, finally, have someone to share yourself with, every part of yourself. That's how it was for me.
I fell in love again when I was 19. And a third time when I was 22 and again when I was 26. All 4 of the relationships were beautiful. They were at times terrifying, wondrous, comfortable and awful. I learned. And they're over. I've been largely single for about 4 years. Sometimes I go on dating apps when I feel lonely or need to get out of the house. Sometimes I meet someone and we make a little connection. But over the past few years I had completely forgotten what it feels like to be in love. All of it. The blessed experience of loving and being loved. Until the other night. And I wasn't reminded in the way you think.
A friend said to me, not in regard to love but in regard to life in general, "What do you want? Focus on what you want. Feel what it feels like to have what you want and call it in." So as I went to bed that night I began to think of the best I've ever felt. The most joyful, awake, happy. And I was brought back to a state of love. As I drifted off to sleep this state went into my dream and I felt the warm glow of love inside my subconscious mind. In my dream I was told "This is love. Remember? Don't give up on it and don't settle for anything else." and in that dream I realized that I had been spending time with people that didn't offer me that. I had tried to make things work that didn't. I can't believe I forgot how magical love is! I affirm anew to treat myself how I want to be treated by a partner and accept nothing less. I believe partnership is sacred. I believe that there is another love for me. I believe that I am worthy and deserving of great love and that's what I'm holding out for.
I get asked a decent amount why I'm single. Because I am holing out for magic. Because I have tasted the sweet nectar of soul rattling love and I am okay to be alone until I find it again. And I'm finally ready for the kind of partner I'm seeking to come into my life. As the song says, bring me a higher love.
